My shadow marched in front of me as we strode down the busy cement sidewalk. It was invisible in the shadow of the trees but in sharp focus in the bright sunlight. A stoplight arrested our forward movement and a fleeting thought came rushing into my mind: “If I were to be hit by a car right now and die I would never see any of this world again – EVER! My heart frightfully shuddered within me in that critical moment frantically trying to push down it’s dark fears!

This dreadful thought pressed into and assaulted my atheistic belief system!

My atheism taught me that there was no spiritual realm of any kind. It did not believe in God, angels, the devil, or in a supernatural reality. Without God there is no sin, and literally no need for a Saviour. However, atheism could not explain my striving to be good or why I was sometimes bad.

Life was not making sense to me. The idea that we live, and feel, and love, and hate, and strive, and desire all seemed absolutely meaningless if we just die in the end. I continually wrestled with the meaning of life, and all that I had learned as a child of atheism.

I learned that weak people believe in God, and only strong ones are smart enough to know he doesn’t exist. I learned how to mock god and to look down on anyone who professed their beliefs. My mind was filled with ‘argument armour’ ready to battle anyone who was silly enough to believe in God.

BUT I really couldn’t tell you what god was all about. If someone were to ask me who do you think God is, I would have no answer, beyond there is no god. Think about that! No understanding of God and his attributes, characteristics, etc…

What I did know is that my family was judged and shunned by ‘the church’ in the small town we lived in. It was the family narrative that I grew up with, and it formed my image of ‘church’ as a place where people dress up and make outsiders feel excluded. My outsider family struggled in darkness, alone, without the light of God.

The god most atheists reject, isn’t God at all! The God who broke into my dark fears is utterly different than the god I rejected as an atheist.

The god most atheists reject, isn't God at all. Share on X

One day my shadow and myself were sitting on a park bench overlooking the salty ocean with high peaked mountains, in the background, jutting up into the deep blue sky. Wildflowers dotted forest greenery with vivid colours of magenta, yellow, violet and white blooms. Tiny insects surried frantically and buzzed their petite wings in glorious detail. I listened to the rhythmic sound of leaves swaying and rustling in the summer breeze.

Then my heart flooded with light, love, and peace as I absorbed the truth that God created the beautiful tapestry before my eyes. It was all there speaking divinity to my heart. At that moment I knew deep inside that God had to exist! My anxious and frightful heart flooded with hope and rested in the stillness of His revelation – my very precious God moment!

Every park, every walking trail, every beautiful scene reminds me to rest in His love, with hope and faith, knowing He is God and His hands hold everything together, including me and my shadow!